Sunday, 13 May 2012

Bug and boyfriends.

Not fucking likely.

Bye for now.


Okay. Maybe some justification is needed.

I'll start by saying little boys are lovely. Some of Bug's best friends are little boys. Thing is, little boys don't stay little boys forever. Before you can say 'Timmy put your cock away!' little boys develop into teenage wank pots. It's not their fault -- if anyone's to blame it's puberty. Alas, puberty's not spoken to me for twenty five years so it's back to blaming teenage boys.

And it's not just boys: Bear and I are pretty liberal. With this in mind, teenage girls can fuck off too.

I know what you're thinking: Bug's only 18 months old and worrying about potential love interests a good 30 years before the first one is a little extreme.

I know you're thinking that. You're forgetting one thing though: preparation. As Abraham Lincoln said 'If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.' I would have replaced 'tree' with 'whiny little bastard that wants to date my daughter' but we're pretty close.

So I'm preparing the best I can. I only have 18 years -- after that she can make up her own mind. I could sit here and moan about how the law's misguided, about how parents should be able to wield vetoes similar to the five permanent members of the United Nations -- chances are I'd be repeating 'veto' so many times that semantic satiation would occur 4 minutes after Bug's first boyfriend visited.

Since Bug was born (and I have a feeling months before) I've joked about how I could keep boys and girls from our door. As time's gone by, it's seemed less a joke, more a lifestyle choice: 

Phase 1

This might sound materialistic but it's important to know that a future son/daughter-in-law is able to support Bug and her parents financially. As such, each interested party will submit financial records and agree to be credit checked. Only the top five percent will move onto Phase 2.

Phase 2

Bug will have spent the best part of 18 years in a room dictionary defined as a dungeon.  Those who pass Phase 1 will get a ten second peak through a slat in her door. That would be it for courting and on to Phase 3. 

Phase 3

To prove their love of Bug, they'll have to return when she's 40. At which point I'll shoot them.

The End

Whenever I mention this to Bear she asks the same question: don't you want her to be happy? I do, I really do. I'm utterly happy with Bear, but it's not like we found each other when we were 12. There were years and years of broken hearts and bastards and sobbing over every love song ever written because the lyricists had my failures in mind when he wrote them. 

This wasn't happiness, it was brutal. 

Brutal will not be entering Bug's life while I have a say in it.


It's not just me either. There's at least two of us:

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