Sunday, 29 April 2012

Avengers Assemble

There's a movie I'd like to see called Avengers Assemble. Thing is I've not been to the cinema since Bug was born. We're still breastfeeding on an evening -- I use 'we' as in 'we're in this together' as I've tried, and entirely failed, to lactate. Months have gone with nowt squeezed out. The other night I was sat on the sofa with my top off. Bug clocked my man boob and leaned in for a nibble. Bear hummed the Jaws theme. Everyone held their breath before the sound of Upsy Daisy distracted Bug from a potentially odd -- and ultimately disappointing -- father/daughter moment.

Because Bear needs to be around to feed Bug, we never go out after 18.30. I could, you know. People say things to me like 'would you like to come out after 18.30?' Mostly it's to go to the pub and I'm not much of a drinker. Even if I did like a pint, it wouldn't be fair. Bear's not been out with friends since Bug arrived so it would be a little unkind of me to enjoy the life of Riley. Of course, if I told Bear I was off to the cinema she'd have no problems with it mainly because she's a lovely bundle of loveliness. Still, it wouldn't be right.

So we stay at home. Which isn't a bad thing. There's my once a night Bug kiss for starters. 10 minutes after we've gone through to Bug's room to settle her to sleep, she gives Bear and I a single, solitary kiss. First Mum, then Dad. Always after 10 minutes. It's like we're on rations. Last night, Bug goes kiss kiss then proceeds to spend 30 minutes trying to squeeze her tiny wee foot into a cardboard cup while endlessly repeating the word 'bubble.'  It was beautiful. 

Actually, I'd rather be with my girls than anything else I can imagine.

With this in mind, I've decided to write a brief history of the film I'd like to see using its title as my sole reference point. I'm aiming for 90% accuracy:

Avengers Assemble  

The idea for Avengers Assemble came about after a chance meeting at Comic Con '85 between Stan Lee and the founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad. At the time, Kamprad was trying to increase IKEA's market share in the US. Impressed by Hasbro's ability to promote Transformer toys via the medium of cartoons, Kamprad wanted Lee to do the same with soft furnishings. The two men spoke frequently over the next few weeks finally developing ideas for Avengers Assemble. Here's some early concept art involving Iron Man and Thor:

It's interesting to note that it hadn't been decided what, if anything, the Avengers should assemble. Lee was in favour of the enigmatic. He wanted the title of the film to use ellipses, as in:

Avengers Assemble...

That way, he argued, each subsequent film could simply add product as a subtitle.

Kamprad hated it. Like everything IKEA, he wanted the title to reflect content:

Avengers Assemble a Sundvik Bed Frame (£89.99)

Lee thought it too heavy handed.

An impasse had been reached. The ponderers pondered. It took twenty five years but a decision was decided and it was thus:

Avengers Assemble

Both men adored it. As Stan Lee said in the now infamous Michael Parkinson interview: what do the Avengers assemble? Whatever the fuck they want to!

The rest, as they say, is history.

Bye for now.


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